What is Considered Reasonable?

Posted on February 28, 2011 by divamom48

For many American families, the focus has switched from the 60s view of family at home spending time together to now where we try to pack as much into our lives as possible. In the same manner, when we host a foreign exchange student, we want to give them every possible experience, opportunity, participation in activities, travel, etc. Where is the appropriate place to draw the line? That is a key question that you must consider when planning your year with your new exchange student!

Balance is key. America is about family, so time spent together eating meals or playing games is very important for the true “American” experience that these kids are seeking. Drawing the line of what you are doing, willing to do, want to do, are able to do is going to be different to every family, as lifestyles vary so much. The thing is that you should not expect to, or think that it is expected of you, to add extra travels, events, or time/financial burdens just because you are hosting a student from abroad! Live your life! The expectations in our agency for extracurricular activity travel provisions or extras of any kind are “reasonable”. You will quickly become burnt out if you try to overdo things to make your student’s experience the best time in their lives. It already is an amazing experience! Having you open your home and allow them the opportunity to live a dream, and having the freedom from parents and their normal lives. Being here is a privilege, and yes, I do more than is expected, but that is my choice and I am okay with that. These wonderful kids are supposed to be treated as a member of your family, not a special guest! Keep that in mind when face with the “can I” or “can you take me” questions. Consider how you would handle that situation with your own child.

Prior to arriving, and at the initial orientation with their area coordinator, they are told the host family responsibilities. It should be made crystal clear that while you are willing to support them in extracurricular activities, if travel requirements are excessive, they have to share the burden and find another option such as car pooling or finding rides with teammates. Grades are often a good way to balance activities as well. Foreign exchange students are expected to maintain a certain grade average in order to stay in their program. These are government standards, and are not taken lightly. If your student is struggling to maintain that GPA, consider cutting back or questioning their ability to handle the added burden of an activity.

Again, being here is a huge honor. This is American life, which is what they want to experience. You do not have to try to make it better or over the top to impress the exchange students. Our natural children do not have the freedom or liberties that many foreign children have for several reasons. We typically live in more suburban areas that do not have public transportation that many of these kids utilize as their main source of transportation. Also, we tend to be more cautious when parenting, while many other countries afford much more independence to their kids. Their schools operate completely differently than ours do, and this in and of itself can create issues. (Honestly, I like the schedules that the European students follow as well as their teaching methods.) The family dynamics are different as well. Always look into the cultural norms from the country in which you choose a student. Look at their application closely to get a glimpse or idea of what they are used to at home. Trying to match the student that lives a lifestyle more similar to yours may help make things easier.

I cannot say it enough. Balance, patience, and being yourself are the best things that you can do for your exchange student. Communicate what you are willing to do, and remind your student that when you have reached the limit you set, finding additional rides is their responsibility. Flexibility is key for everyone involved, but it is the adult’s responsibility to set the tone of the relationship, the boundaries of the home, and to enforce the rules. Teens, even more-so than toddlers are desperate for boundaries, no matter how hard they try to push or defy them. Boundaries and rules equal security and a sense of safety! Be firm, but loving, and take care of you during the process!

Good Luck!

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The Latest News!

Posted on February 26, 2011 by divamom48

I placed my very first exchange student this week! Friday was a red letter day for me and a new host family! I wish that I could express the excitement and possibilities that this family is experiencing right now! I have lived this too, and love sharing it with others. My own children are my joy in life, but I also have my “other” daughters that are from other countries. When I met with this family, I told their daughter that she would be able to tell her friends that she has a sister in whatever country that they chose a student from! Not many other kids can make such a claim. I told her how my daughters, natural and hosted, talk about being at or in each others’ weddings, vacationing together, visiting on college breaks, meeting their nieces and nephews, and making sure that their chosen mates are acceptable for each other:)!

These are the reasons that I do this. My goal is to help other people have this experience and have a successful outcome. I feel that educating people about all aspects of this journey that is full of joy, fun, adventure, and rewards. I also do not shy away about honesty pertaining to the difficulties that you can experience. These difficulties are not insurmountable, but if handled properly, lead to growth and a stronger bond of trust and respect. These are teenagers, and you are living together for ten months! No one could expect that to be hassle free…if you do, you have set yourself up for failure before you have begun. I did that the first time I hosted! I had to learn that just because I have an amazing relationship with my kids did not mean that it would immediately happen with another child. It was my responsibility to accept her at face value and build a relationship from the ground up. This is some of the most important advise I can give, which is why you are reading it over and over again!

Let me help you! I would LOVE for you to feel the way that we do when we send a kid home that is more independent, full of new life experiences, with a stronger English vocabulary, and an understanding of what American families and schools are all about. They are ambassadors for their native country while here, then they go home as ambassadors for America. The foreign exchange program continues because these kids go home with stories of great families, education, hospitality, fun, and friendship or love! That is what you, as a host family offer.

If you have considered hosting, contact me. If you do not live near me, I can hook you up with a local coordinator near you. I love my agency, but for me it is about the kids. I am performing a labor of love to help the kids, the bonus is your wonderful time and memories! Good luck! I look forward to assisting you!

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Treat Your Exchange Student Like a Member of the Family!

Posted on February 25, 2011 by divamom48

It is very normal to want to go overboard attempting to make your new foreign exchange student feel welcome and happy in your home. That is what you should do, but you have offered to house them and care for them, not be their bed and breakfast with Limo service for 10 months! I feel very strongly about making the exchange student feel welcome and accepted beginning at the airport. I usually have every member of the family write a welcome letter to our student, and I have a few gifts from our area waiting for them. The over the top hospitality ends there. A home cooked meal that day, of course, depending on the time of arrival! Quiet time and family time, yes! A tour of local places of interest, sure! BUT, after that time, the integration into the family begins.

On the second day, have a family meeting. Keep it light and social. Begin talking about the rules and schedule of the house. I have 2 teenage daughters, and I only take girls. All three have their own rooms, but share a bathroom. One of the items we discuss is the bathroom schedule. I have one daily chore, and one weekly chore per kid. The daily chores are on a rotating schedule, so I have the girls discuss their activity schedules and assign as per that time frame. We plan our meals, so favorites and dislikes are discussed. Bedtimes and curfews are detailed. I tend to allow the girls to sleep in on weekends and stay up later, but prefer to have more specific requirements during the school week. Your list of important rules or priorities may vary, but lay them out clearly and specifically right from the start. Enforce them with consistency and keep your child(ren) accountable.

I also discuss a secret code that the girls can use at any time without question or trouble if they find themselves in a situation that they cannot handle or did not plan for. The largest concern for my teenagers is partying or having a friend try to drive while drinking. Remember, if you student is caught, even if not drinking, they will be sent home immediately. Or, if they are at a friend’s house and there are no adults, they don’t feel safe, or any situation that they feel uncomfortable with they are to text or call. We make up a code word that we all know and understand, like ABC123. If I see this text or they state the code, I leave immediately, no questions until they are safe, and we deal with the situation at hand after they are safe with me again. This gives them a safe way to communicate without allowing the other kids around them to know that they are bailing, and will hopefully prevent any confrontation or hassle for the girls. Teens are teens, but I ask for full honesty and responsibility. I would much rather pick them up, even drunk, than have to call their family and tell them that they have been arrested, harmed, or the unthinkable!

I have been accused by more than one exchange student call me “too overprotective”. Well, I wear that badge quite confidently and with honor! I would rather have them be safe and think me too overprotective than the unthinkable! I treat my exchange students in the same fashion that I parent my own children. I love them fiercely, I protect them, and I set strong boundaries for them. I hold them accountable, and ask that they simply do the right thing, make good choices, and do the best that they can. If they are able to that, then they are well on their way to being good, strong members of society. I believe in the word NO, as I feel that the world could care less if these kids are happy or have everything that they want, so I have to teach them that you win some and you lose more! NO is one of the best ways to teach and bond. It builds trust. Believe it or not, if the kids know the boundaries and realize they will be enforced, they feel more secure. Security equals happiness and acceptance! You have to care enough to say no.

Posted in Adjustment, Become A Host Family, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Get To Know Your New Kid!

Posted on February 24, 2011 by divamom48

There are several key ways to develop a bond and begin a relationship with your foreign exchange student. First and foremost, remember that it is ALWAYS the responsibility of the adult to make and maintain the relationship with any kid. These are children, teenagers, but still children that are scared, disoriented, and overwhelmed.

Most European exchange students have traveled extensively. Ask them about their travel experiences. This is one way of traveling vicariously through your exchange student :) . If they name a place that you would love to travel to, ask them to describe it. Tell them that you dream of going there, and then ask them what their favorite things were about their trip. Ask them what they ate, saw, etc. What a wonderful conversation starter and bond builder! Another plus is that it is fun to dream and show them how cool their life is and how interested you are in them!

Ask about about their family. This is best accomplished in the early days while your exchange student is in the euphoric stage of being in America and so excited that this will not cause as much upset about being away from home as it might later. Find out what their relationship is like with each family member. This will help you engage them, but later it will help when you are all coping with their homesickness. Learn as much about their home, country, culture, friends, etc. If the natural parents speak English, it is always good to build a rapport with them as well. Do not hide this from your student. When I have had to limit communication during the homesickness phase, I as still able to keep the family up to date on how their student is doing. You can also enlist their help to encourage and rally behind their child to support them or ask what approach works best with their child.

It is also very important that you develop a good and trusting relationship with your local agency coordinator. He or She are your first line of support and advice if you have questions or problems. You must report anything that of significance. Your coordinator should have monthly contact with you and your exchange student at a minimum. I discuss this topic at length in another post, please refer to “Your Relationship With Your Agency” for more on this topic. A good coordinator has hosted children before, knows the laws and how to guide you through any situation. Their role is supportive, but can be disciplinary if needed.

All in all, trust building, being open and honest, accepting and showing interest in your exchange student and his/her life, cooking together, playing games, or including them in your family’s life are the best things you can do. Begin from day one. Take it at a slower pace on the first few days, which allows them to adjust, rest, and breathe, as they will be quite overwhelmed! Be diligent and patient at the same time – yes, if I can do it, you can certainly do it :) Trust me on this one :) !

Good luck and have fun! The rewards are too many to count!

Posted in Adjustment, Become A Host Family, Bonding, Coping, FAQ, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Your Relationship with Your Agency!

Posted on February 24, 2011 by divamom48

This post will discuss your role as host parents and how your agency can help with enforcing rules and policies when needed. It may sound a bit intimidating in places, but please know that I am writing this in support of you and from true life experience. I have learned from mistakes that I have personally made, that other host parents, or coordinators have made. I have seen the outcome of those mistakes, and I want you to learn the easy way, from me here and now, not while struggling with a homesick kid or when an issue arises or gets out of control. I have had to send kids home, discipline them, counsel host parents, and hold a crying, homesick kid. Everything I state in this post is written in love, and yes, discipline and strict rules are loving! This is an attempt to help you beforehand, so that you can prepare yourself for any situation that may arise. These kids go through a pretty universal set of stages during their stay that I address in a former post. They are like the stages of grief, and they are predictable, and when prepared and well informed, more manageable for everyone. I hope this helps!

It is very important that you develop a good and trusting relationship with your local agency coordinator. He or She are your first line of support and advice if you have questions or problems. You should report anything of significance, whether you feel you have it under control or not. This allows proper documentation to be in place if it is needed. Your coordinator should have monthly contact with you and your exchange student at a minimum. Your regional coordinator should have contact quarterly with you and your student as well. If you feel that your local coordinator is not available to you, and you have attempted to talk with them or asked for help, and you feel that things need more attention or you were not helped then go to the regional coordinator. There is a very specific chain of command that should be followed and respected in the agencies that oversee host families.

There are government laws that require certain actions and documentation for exchange students. Never be afraid to call and talk to your coordinator. It is often the case that host parents feel that they are failing or doing something wrong when they cannot handle or get control of a situation. This is NOT the case unless you have neglected to maintain control and enforce your rules. What you will generally find is what you are experiencing is quite normal, most families are going through the same transitional issues, and that you are doing a great job as long as you are communicating and trying! Even though these are teenagers, always a good thing to keep in mind, they have agreed contractually with their sending agency from home and the placement agency here that has accepted them into the US. It is the student’s responsibility to adhere to strict rules according to that contract. Each agency has it’s own set of rules or policies. Our agency, Student American International, is very strict and diligent from selection through departure after a 10 month stay.

Know your Host Family Handbook! One of the benefits of choosing an exchange student early is that you have more time to read and understand your Handbook. It is the Bible of hosting an exchange student. It educates you to your agency, how to prepare for your student, suggestions for dealing with many types of situations, and the expectations that are required of you, your student, and your coordinator. Don’t allow this to overwhelm you. Our handbook is 33 pages long, but it is packed full of useful information! Don’t try to read it all in one sitting. I suggest reading one particular area and highlighting what is important to you. Make your own quick reference page with notes that will quickly get you to where each item of interest or importance is in the handbook.

Know the rules! Being able to state the student expectations in any situation is one very strong tool to utilize if needed. Think about it…these are teenagers, they are trying to be independent and mature, but they are dying for boundaries and guidance. Remember that they are homesick, and they are also scared. They often feel that they are grown, on their own away from their natural parents, and can do as they please, but this is not the case. Teens often attempt to get away with things, but being able to sound very adept and knowledgeable about the contract they signed to be and stay here will often set them back into place. Remember and remind them that it is a privilege to be here, not a requirement. They MUST adhere to policies of the United States laws, their contract with both agencies, and your house rules! AND ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT THEY NEED A LOT OF UNDERSTANDING, PATIENCE, AND GRACE FROM YOU!

Posted in Become A Host Family, Coping, FAQ | 1 Comment

The INTERNET

Posted on February 21, 2011 by divamom48

We live in the age of technology, which is wonderful – or you would not be able to read this :) , but it can be a foreign exchange kids’ worst enemy! The ability to keep in touch with with “home” for foreign exchange students is actually a very negative thing about technology! I have learned the hard way that allowing them down time on the computer, on Facebook, emailing, Skyping, etc is one of the biggest mistakes that can be made! Our program has time restriction recommendations for communication with friends and family at home.

Honestly, I did not necessarily agree with this rule in the beginning. I looked at it from the standpoint of the parents back home missing their child. But, the foreign exchange program is about the children, not the parents. It, the internet, is actually a deterrent to the foreign exchange student becoming fully immersed into their new American culture. They basically straddle home and here, and it amplifies the difficulties that exchange students experience while facing the actual separation from home. By clinging to their home culture and emotional ties, it makes it much more difficult for them to engage completely here. Limiting contact initially and being consistent with this, unless during special times such as birthdays, holidays, or other important dates! Time on the phone or in communication at home should be limited to a short amount of time that is agreed upon by the host family!

Enforce your time limits and be strict with the rules. Limit online time daily and have the student study in an open place, even if this is their room with the door open. Check often to make sure that the internet is being utilized only for schoolwork. I have been “fooled” more than once with kids secretly on Facebook, b/c they have it set at their homepage.

Once you have a better understanding of your kid, and they are well integrated and over their inevitable homesickness, you can reassess the internet policy with your student.

Posted in Adjustment, Bonding, Coping, FAQ, Homesickness | Leave a comment

I Am Always Available To Help!

Posted on February 20, 2011 by divamom48

The purpose of this blog is to offer information and support to host parents, people considering becoming host parents, and help placing a student in your home if you would like to experience this wonderful opportunity.

I am always here if you have questions, even in the heat of the moment when you are coping with your foreign exchange child and don’t know how to best help them or yourself! This is a labor of love, but it does come with its own set of challenges. Most are easily conquered with patience and understanding, but it is occasionally difficult to think of that when you are hurt, confused, or feel helpless. Yes, when the kids go through “full on” homesickness, it can be very difficult on you as well. I have never felt so helpless as when my host kids are suffering. Remember, these are teens, and when they don’t know how to cope or are scared or hurting, they may act out. All the patience and understanding in the world cannot help them if they push you away. THIS IS TEMPORARY! Remember that if nothing else! It may last longer depending on the child or how you handle the situation.

My advice is to rely on your local coordinator, but there are people, like me, that are here to offer suggestions, answer questions, and help as well! I absolutely LOVE what I do, trials, difficulties, and issues, b/c the payoff is more than worth the challenges! You are building a lifelong bond of love, friendship, and cultural diversity that cannot be achieved in any other way!

If you post a question, I will answer you. If you wish that it not be posted, please state it in your message, as I get an email prior to your post appearing on my page. If you don’t mind, I will include it on my blog, because if you are having this problem others are too, and it will be helpful to everyone to read that they are not alone!

Posted in Adjustment, Become A Host Family, Coping, FAQ | 3 Comments

The Key To Success?? COMMUNICATION!

Posted on February 20, 2011 by divamom48

The transition from one home into another home with a completely different family dynamic added onto integration into a new culture can be quite overwhelming. Although many of foreign exchange students are well prepared prior to coming to America, or they are a more outgoing, self confident type of personality. It becomes quite easy to forget that they are simply teenagers. Teens from every country, although culturally different, are just teens and behave and react quite the same as American teens. Their bodies are changing in same manner, their minds are developing, and they are simply trying to figure out whom they are and where they belong in this world of ours.

I have found while hosting and while coordinating or mentoring, that a lot of the issues with adjustment and homesickness, while quite normal and expected, can be dealt with by open communication. Okay, these are teenagers, and “talking to the ‘rents” is not the coolest thing to do, but if you establish open chatting right from the beginning while getting acquainted with your student, and begin the process of communicating openly right from the start. This can be overwhelming at first for your foreign exchange student, so I tend to take it slowly and let the student guide how far and how fast to increase communication and openness with them.

It is always a balancing act with your own teens, but even more so with a scared, overwhelmed, lonely, possibly language challenged, and culturally shocked teenager. There is the universal language of love, compassion, and understanding that surpasses the English language! Beginning right away, during the honeymoon phase of excitement and awe, will help once reality sets in! You can begin with comparing likes of food, entertainment, movies, etc. Play games, spend time together, show them even the most mundane things like your favorite place to get a good burger, or this is where I get my pictures developed. Most will require a school physical and or a PIAA physical if they are going to play a sport, so I often take them to my own family physician, and I offer them privacy or to go into the office with them. I try to build their trust. Offer them a balance of time together and time alone in their room to decompress. Give them the ability to lead or guide the adjustment time, but do NOT allow them to simply stay in their room alone…balance is key!

Remember, they are scared teenagers, and they may try to push you away and act really strong and cool, but they are simply a bowl full of Jello and nerves. Try to keep in mind how you felt at that particular age and multiply it by 5! In all honesty they are dying for your help or support, but may push you away to try to impress you. Read their eyes and body language, if they are fidgeting or indecisive, ask again and offer to support them. Reassure them that you are not intruding, but that you wish to help. Tell them that you understand, you may even want to share a funny story of a time when you were scared at that age, or even now!

The Key to success…talk, balance, and patient understanding! Good luck!

Posted in Adjustment, Bonding, Coping, Homesickness | 3 Comments

The Latest

Posted on February 16, 2011 by divamom48

I have recently replaced my coordinator as the local rep for our country, as she retired. This was a humbling honor, being asked to take the position, but it has been riddled with strife from the get go. As posted prior, my first job was to send a kid home, which, I just want to say is the hardest and the very last thing any of us want to do. The agencies try very hard to keep them here, work with them, and do their best to help them through this once in a lifetime opportunity. Unfortunately, some kids come here with the wrong ideas or goals for their time here, or are unable to cut the ties with home. I struggle with this aspect of hosting. As a mother, I would not want communication with my child to be limited while they were away in a foreign country living with strangers. That being said, dealing with a homesick child is no party either. This rule, I have found out the hard way this year, is there for a reason, and was made to ensure the very best for the kids. I could see several of our students struggling with the contact…staying submersed in home while not able to truly integrate here. It is like trying to straddle two families and two lives. I don’t know about you, but as an adult I could not do it, let alone a teenager!

One common thread theme that I keep hearing is that it is easier to make friends with other foreign exchange students. I quickly and swiftly remind the kids that they did not come here to make easy friends, but to make American friends and learn about our lifestyle and culture. As much as the mother bear in me wants to protect these cubs, I have learned that being soft about several issues has hindered their growth. So, watch out upcoming students! I learn from my life lessons and apply what they taught me! :)

Funny, I have a child from another part of this world of ours that is just now beginning to feel the effects of homesickness! Typically with Eastern European students, which make up the vast majority of our population, homesickness comes at holiday time, but other countries on the other side of our planet, feel it now, toward the end of winter, after the holidays. What huge amounts of lessons I have learned in such a short amount of time!

I am constantly learning and growing while hosting and now coordinating these children! I am all the better for it! A bit weary at times, but still better off in the long run! I am looking for some good homes right now! Our agency currently has 99 kids looking for good homes! Would you like to change the world one kid at a time???? “)

Posted in Adjustment, Coping, Homesickness | 1 Comment

Beginning The Process – NOW!

Posted on February 9, 2011 by divamom48

NOW, early spring, is the very best time to consider hosting students, get approved, and make your selection. I say this for several reasons. First, there are currently 55 students available in our agency just waiting to be chosen. If you choose early, you get a better selection of children that might fit into your home or lifestyle. Second, the approval process, while simple, can take time. Third, many schools do not accept foreign exchange students after the end of the prior year, so the end of this May would be the cut off…choosing and reserving your student’s spot in the school district now is best. Fourth and MOST IMPORTANT, choosing now allows you a few extra months to get to know your student, communicate with his or her family, begin to bond with your coordinator, prepare your home and family for the wonderful new addition, and read up on how best to host a child and the stages that kids and host parents experience.

Remember, I work in most of South Central PA, but if I am not near you, I will help you find an agency, coordinator, or program that will help you. Yes, I work for a specific, certified agency SAI, and we have other areas of the country in which we host, but I am willing to help anyone that would like to get involved in this tremendous experience. I am a different, better person for hosting these children, and my daughters are fortunate to have other “sisters” from all over the country to visit, share their weddings and lives with, and to learn from about the many wonderful places our world has to offer!

Posted in Become A Host Family | 2 Comments